


is it okay to love you this much?

by typhoeus



Category: Hinatazaka46 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Red String of Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typhoeus/pseuds/typhoeus
Summary: soulmates are bound to each other by a red string of fate. a select few have the special ability to see the strings and defy soulmate laws by cutting the strings and tying it to someone else's. ayaka has always struggled with the burden of this ability, and she's faced with a dilemma when her best friend asks her to alter the soulmate laws.
Relationships: Saito Kyoko/Sasaki Kumi, Saito Kyoko/Takamoto Ayaka, Sasaki Kumi/Takamoto Ayaka
Kudos: 14





	is it okay to love you this much?

**Author's Note:**

> suddenly had the urge to write and this was the outcome. going through an ayaka phase right now so she's the main character this time. 
> 
> slightly out of character ayaka. in this universe she's more mature and less dumb.
> 
> thanks to oomf for being with me as i wrote this. i don't know what i'll do without you.

ayaka is six when she first sees the red strings.

she's at the playground with her best friend kyoko when she suddenly notices red strings tied to everyone's pinky. she looks down to see a red string on her own pinky too.

"kyoko," she asks. "do you see the red strings on everyone's fingers?"

"i don't know what you're talking about, aya," kyoko replies. "is this another part of your imaginary universe again?"

ayaka pouts. "it's real, i see red strings! there's one on your pinky and there's one on mine too!" she points. kyoko turns to see no red strings at wherever ayaka is pointing to.

"i don't see anything... but i recall my mother telling me a bedtime story about red strings before!" kyoko's face lights up as she remembers. "in that story, everyone has a soulmate and they're connected together by a red string, maybe those are the red strings you're seeing!"

soulmates? ayaka has no idea what soulmates are, but she can't stop staring at the red string that's tied to her pinky and seeing where it goes.

"are we soulmates then? that's why we're best friends! it's fate." kyoko says. ayaka doesn't reply, a smile on her lips.

when ayaka gets home, she greets her father in the living room and immediately runs to the kitchen to tell her mother about the red strings. her mother's eyes widen in surprise and she pulls ayaka into her room. inside the room, her mother explains everything to her. the story of how everyone has a soulmate, bound together by a red string. how certain people are able to see the strings. she says that people aren't supposed to know about soulmates. she tells ayaka to be careful and not interfere with the strings. she says that it's better to not mess with fate.

as six-year-old ayaka tries to process what she just heard, she has a question she's dying to ask but she misses the chance to as her mother walks out of the room.

_why is her mother's string not connected to her father's?_

\--------------------

ayaka is eight when she first goes against fate.

she hears the shouting from her room. her parents are fighting again. things were going well between her parents but recently they seem to be fighting almost every day. ayaka can vaguely make out the words her parents are saying.

_"who's this woman you've been seeing recently? is she your new woman?"_

_"we're just co-workers! how many times do i have to tell you this?"_

ayaka wonders if that woman mentioned is her father's real soulmate.

when night time comes and her parents are asleep, she makes up her mind as she creeps into her parents' room with a pair of scissors in her hands.

as ayaka gets ready to cut the strings, she remembers her mother's voice, telling her to not interfere with the strings and mess with fate. she hesitates for a moment, but she knows what will happen if she doesn't do this.

_snip snip_

she ties their strings together and quietly sneaks back into her room. her parents fast asleep and unaware of what their daughter just did. as ayaka lies on her bed, she wonders what will happen to her parents' original soulmates. she tries to not think about it as she falls asleep.

the change is immediate. no more fights, the screams and shouts that ayaka constantly heard at night gone.

this is good. her parents are now soulmates and ayaka doesn't have to grow up in a separated family.

ayaka ignores the horrible feeling in her stomach. life goes on, yet in her heart, she vows to never do this again.

\--------------------

ayaka is eighteen when fate decides to get their revenge on her.

she's currently in her last year of high school, preparing for her university entrance exams.

after being schoolmates with kyoko since elementary school, it feels weird to not have the girl by her side anymore. kyoko is currently a first-year music major in university and ayaka is studying hard so that she can attend the same university as her best friend.

kyoko tries to make time for her despite being busy with university and they meet up at least three times a week. ayaka always appreciates the effort her best friend is putting in for her.

however, today feels different. as ayaka walks towards the cafe that kyoko had asked to meet her at, she can't help but feel anxious. as if something weird is going to happen. she tries to brush the feeling of nervousness aside as she enters the place.

"over here, aya!" a voice calls out to her. ayaka turns to see kyoko waving her hands, seemingly in an extra good mood today.

"someone's in a good mood today," she teases as she sits down across kyoko. she sees kyoko blush at her words. _that's weird_. ayaka thinks. kyoko never blushes at anything.

"actually... i have something i want to tell you." kyoko looks down at her hands, her ears bright red.

"oh? what happened?" ayaka leans closer.

"i have a girlfriend," kyoko whispers softly. so soft that ayaka could barely catch what kyoko said. "you have a girlfriend?" ayaka repeats.

"yeah, i have a girlfriend," kyoko says, this time louder. "her name is sasaki kumi, and she's a year above me."

ayaka struggles to comprehend what she just heard. kyoko having a girlfriend? out of all the things that could happen, it's the one ayaka least expects.

questions start rolling out of her mouth and kyoko patiently answers each question one by one. ayaka learns that the two of them first met at the library where kumi is working as an assistant. she learns that they only just got together a few days ago. she learns that it was kumi who confessed first (she's not surprised about that).

"she's coming over tomorrow, do you want to meet her?"

ayaka is curious about this sasaki kumi. something about the name catches her attention and ayaka wants to know more about her.

"i want to meet her."

kumi is nice. in fact, ayaka thinks she's too nice. like an angel sent from heaven.

during their first meeting, kumi greets ayaka with a warm smile. "so, this is the best friend that kyoko won't stop talking about?" she grins. kyoko rolls her eyes, embarrassed and ayaka blushes.

she becomes close to kumi. it was bound to happen anyways. kumi is like the older sister that ayaka always wanted, _not that kyoko wasn't like an older sister too but sometimes she acts like a child,_ kumi is reliable and mature, not to mention she always helps ayaka when she struggles with schoolwork.

the trio are currently having dinner together. it's not unusual for ayaka to tag along with the couple, she always feels like she's intruding but the both of them insist for her to come along. she looks at the couple, both with wide smiles on their faces. they look so happy with each other's presence; and, honestly, ayaka has never seen kyoko _that_ happy before. and they've been friends since forever.

she wonders how cruel fate has been. she remembers her parents - two people whose red strings weren't connected to each other but managed to fall in love, yet had ayaka not intervened, their relationship would have ended. they were not meant to be together but ayaka changed that.

she knows, as she stares at their hands, that kyoko and kumi are not meant to be. even though they are so in love with each other now, who knows what will happen in the future? she fears that her friends might go through the same thing as her parents.

ayaka clenches her fist at that thought, giving the red string on her pinky a little tug. she observes how the other end perfectly wraps around _her_ pinky. _her soulmate's pinky._ she looks up to the two again; kumi catches her watching them so she gives ayaka a warm smile. her chest tightens and she feels the wind get knocked off her lungs.

ayaka knew this moment would come. after all, kyoko knew about her special ability to see the red strings. they never told kumi about it, no one is supposed to know about the red strings anyways. 

the two of them are currently hanging out at ayaka's room. kumi has a shift at the library today so it was just the both of them.

"hey," kyoko calls, voice low. "can i ask you something?"

"what is it?" she replies, despite knowing what kyoko wanted.

"is kumi my soulmate?" she asks. kyoko was never the type to beat around the bush, but that doesn't stop ayaka from flinching at her bluntness.

ayaka averts her eyes away from kyoko's piercing gaze and down to their hands. she sees kyoko's string and she knows that it's not connected to kumi's. she knows that they're not soulmates. 

should she tell kyoko the truth? or should she lie to her? ayaka is unsure of what to reply. she looks down and fiddles with her fingers. kyoko waits expectedly for an answer.

"i'm sorry." is all ayaka could mutter. kyoko's face drops but she tries to put on a smile. "hey, it's okay. i shouldn't have asked." she pats ayaka, as if trying to comfort her. but ayaka knows that it's actually kyoko who needs comforting the most.

the look on kyoko's face haunts her. that night, ayaka cries herself to sleep.

\--------------------

ayaka is twenty-four when she decides that fate hates her.

she takes a seat beside kyoko who's on the couch. kyoko had asked her to come over to her house that day and ayaka agreed.

over the years, ayaka has seen kyoko become more and more paranoid over her relationship with kumi. she can see how kyoko has become more clingy to kumi recently, as if her tight hugs would convince fate to let her keep holding kumi forever. how kyoko would refuse to let go of kumi's hands when they bid each other goodbye. fate is cruel, it was never kind; and ayaka hates how she has the power to save them from this situation.

she has also seen how it has affected kumi. how kumi looks whenever she goes to ayaka after having a fight with kyoko. how kumi's hands tremble whenever kyoko clings to her – the sudden change in love language was not sitting right with her. how kumi's eyes fill with worry whenever she looks at kyoko. ayaka knows kumi is aware that something is up but is too afraid to ask; maybe, she thinks kyoko might be falling out of love so she doesn't want to know the answer.

then again, fate chooses its puppeteers and they are all pawns to its show. she never asked for it but fate chose ayaka to be in charge of the strings.

"aya," kyoko calls out, her voice weary. "i have a favour to ask."

"what is it?" ayaka turns to look at kyoko who looks like she hasn't slept properly in ages. sometimes, she wished she never answered kyoko's question that faithful day.

"is it possible to change your soulmate?" kyoko pauses, "since you can see the strings, are you able to touch them too?"

ayaka doesn't like where this is going. she knows kyoko desperately wants to find a solution. kyoko wants to be soulmates with kumi. and ayaka knows that she has the power to make that happen.

"i can touch them; but i don't know if i can break them. my mom always told me never to mess with fate," ayaka explains as she bites her lower lip. she knows she can because she did it before, but she doesn't want to tell kyoko that.

kyoko's face lit up with hope, "can you try, please? see if you can cut my string and connect it with kumi's."

"kyoko, i don't know about that. what about your soulmate? what about kumi's?"

"i don't care. we're in love with each other and that's all that matters. for all i know the person on the other end of my string might also be in love with another person. you can do both of us this favor, aya."

"well, what about kumi's? what about her soulmate?" ayaka's voice trails off. she looks down at her pinky. at her own red string.

"kumi loves me. you know that, aya. her soulmate doesn't matter to me. her soulmate should be me." kyoko raises her voice.

_ouch. that hurts._ the harshness of her words scare ayaka. she's never seen kyoko like this before. kyoko is kind. she is caring. the kyoko that ayaka knows wouldn't say things like _this_. fate is indeed cruel; and, it also makes kind people like kyoko lose themselves.

kyoko must have sensed that ayaka is frightened by her words. she sighs and shakes her head.

"i didn't mean to scare you," her shoulders drop, "i don't want this to not work just because of some stupid strings."

ayaka rests her hand on kyoko's back and the latter looks up, "i really love her, aya. i can't lose her like this."

"i know." ayaka replies, her voice shaky. she see tears well up in kyoko's eyes but the latter quickly wipes them away.

"i want to propose to her. i want to be with her forever. but i'm scared of what will happen because we're not soulmates."

the desperation in kyoko's voice wraps around ayaka's neck. the string on her pinky starts to itch; or hurt, she doesn't really know anymore. the words her mother said when she was six echo in her head.

" _you should never mess with fate."_

at this moment, she realizes her mistake; and, this might be her punishment. when she thought she did the right thing with her parents years ago, she never thought she'll be put in the same situation. now, she has to do the reverse: she needs to let go of her _own_ soulmate.

"i'll try to see what i can do. but i won't promise you anything."

"thank you. you've been a good friend to me, aya."

"anything for you, kyoko."

_if only you knew._

she decides to pay a visit to kumi. there's something about kumi that calms ayaka so she decides to seek solace in her. maybe she can find the answer she's been looking for.

kumi welcomes her with a bright smile, as usual. "aya-chan, what brings you here today?" she asks.

"nothing in particular. i just wanted to see you." ayaka replies.

"we just saw each other yesterday and you miss me already?" kumi teases as they both sit on the couch.

ayaka finds herself smiling. kumi always knew what to say to make her happy. it sounds unfair to kyoko (who, technically, has been with her for more than half of her life) but she can't explain the way kumi just looks like a walking sunshine in her eyes. her pinky starts to itch again; her smile drops as she stares at the red string.

"aya-chan? are you sure there's nothing bothering you?" ayaka peels her eyes off the thin thread to look at kumi. she flashes her signature wide smile.

"there isn't."

"you can tell me anything. you're like a little sister to me."

"and you're like a big sister to me," ayaka declares before throwing herself towards kumi like a child.

kumi returns the hug but pulls away seconds after, "now, you're suddenly as clingy as kyoko. it's getting weird."

"why?"

"you know kyoko, aya-chan. these days, she's suddenly different."

"what do you mean?" ayaka sits up to lean her side on the couch.

"i can't explain," kumi starts playing with her fingers, "i want to ask her about it but i'm scared."

"of what?"

kumi does not answer. silence fills the room and ayaka mentally punches herself for that insensitive question.

"i don't think you have anything to be scared of," ayaka places a hand on top of kumi's to comfort her. kumi looks straight into ayaka's eyes, "am i a bad person for doubting her?"

ayaka shakes her head, "you guys are meant for each other. ever heard of soulmates?" a bitter taste lingers on her tongue as those words leave her mouth.

"that's such a childish thing to believe in but it sounds so you," kumi laughs and ayaka pouts.

"no, i'm serious. a friend of mine told me about how soulmates are connected by a red string and how some people can see it. that same friend also told me that they can see them but it's not like i have a way to prove it."

"you're very gullible but you know what," kumi nudged ayaka's arm before smiling ear to ear, "if soulmates do exist, i think kyoko is my soulmate."

ayaka looked at how kumi's eyes sparkle – it was the very same glow she saw from kyoko the day she learned her best friend got a girlfriend. the sun in front of ayaka grew brighter, "no words can explain how much i love her."

as the blinding glow kept on radiating, ayaka felt her heart slowly melt. at that very moment, she found a new perspective. maybe, she wasn't the string master and fate was no puppeteer. now, she's beginning to think fate was a fisherman and she was the bait; put out into the depths to lure non-soulmates in and when they finally find her, it's her job to lead them to the right fishing line.

"yeah. i think you guys would be soulmates." she tries to smile. somewhere, she knows that fate must be laughing at her pathetic self right now.

ayaka feels a small piece of her heart break at her words. she looks down at her pinky and her red string. she remembers kyoko's request and makes her decision.

ayaka invites the both of them for a sleepover. _just like the old times_ , she tells them.

it feels like she's eighteen all over again. back when kyoko and kumi first started dating. back when ayaka first met kumi. before the burden of soulmates started to consume kyoko. she remembers how fate took its revenge on her; and now, she accepts it wholeheartedly.

ayaka looks at the pair. she sees how happy they are. it's like a scene straight out of a romance movie. they really are perfect for each other, fitting together perfectly like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. her thought drifts from the couple to the harsh reality she lives in right now. she stares at the red strings connected to both of their pinkies, one of which is connected to ayaka's. she has seen this moment before; but, the pain hits her a thousand times over. before tears could escape her eyes, ayaka turns around and lets the two of them have their time.

she has the power to give them the happily ever after fate tried to take away from them. and that's what she's going to do today.

it's night time. the cold breeze blows and ayaka feels her dried tears against her cheeks. she sits up and reminds herself of what she's about to do, what she's supposed to do. the moonlight shines through her window, its source watching over her. she looks up to the sky and stares at the moon. she wonders how many people in the world are looking at this very sky, thinking of the same thing as her; probably stuck in the endless thought of whether this ability is a blessing or a curse.

ayaka turns her back from the bright orb in the middle of the sky. she tiptoes her way to the room kyoko and kumi shares. on her way there, she suddenly sees herself from sixteen years ago. a wave of deja vu devours her and she could only smile; but unlike eight-year-old ayaka's smile, this time, a part of it is to mask the pain.

_this is for the best. it worked out before, it'll work out this time, too._

she repeats to herself as she has always done. she stops right in front of the door. she looks down and she sees two separate red strings, one stretching indefinitely and the other connected to her own pinky.

ayaka thought she found a hole in fate's game but she has come to realize that she has been played. she was given a double-edged sword that she didn't know how to wield and now she ended up hurting herself.

fate is a harsh teacher and experiences are paperwork. ayaka has a lot more to read through but beside her are two finished readings: one about parents and the other about friends.

she accepts her defeat and lets fate win. the door opens and ayaka steps in, a pair of scissor in her hands.

she looks at their strings. how it's separated. she thinks about how it'll be connected soon. how her own string will be the one disconnected.

ayaka wonders if the feelings she has for her soulmate would stay or would it instantly be washed away once she cuts the string. she shakes her head. now is not the time to think of things like this anymore. she's been suffering for six years. it's time to finally let go.

_snip snip_

she watches as kyoko's and kumi's strings fall. she picks it up and ties their strings together, cementing them as soulmates and giving them the happy ending they deserve.

_no, this is for the best_. ayaka thinks as she looks at her own string that used to be connected to kumi's.

kumi loved kyoko and kyoko loved kumi. ayaka was never in the equation and she will never be.

to kumi, ayaka was just like a little sister, nothing more.

ayaka continues to stare at the red string wrapped around her pinky and she feels warmth in her cheeks as beads of tears roll down her face.

"this is for the best. they deserve to be happy, _"_ she whispers repeatedly, like a mantra, in order to convince herself that she did the right thing.

_hey, is it okay to love you this much if i'll just get hurt?_ ayaka wants to ask kumi so bad. she wonders if she'll ever reveal the truth to them one day.

but for now, her job is done. she quietly leaves the room and returns to her room. in the comfort of her room, she continues crying. fate watches on as ayaka asks herself if she'll ever get her happy ending.

**Author's Note:**

> i tried to make ayaka's soulmate as vague and ambiguous as possible because i only wanted to reveal it at the end. i know most of you probably expected it to be kyoko so i hoped it worked out in the end.
> 
> thank you for reading even though ayaka doesn't get a happy ending in this universe.


End file.
